[Satire] Thank you Arnab Goswami, says Nitish Kumar

lalu tapes nitish arnab
Image Courtesy: Firstpost

What a great weekend I had? Saturday night was the night I had sound sleep in recent years. It really was a pleasant surprise. The build-up to the sensation too was exciting. All politicians across parties were apprehensive what this motor mouth would utter, when he was handed over a brand new mike. As expected, he roared. And, it was music. A classical Mohana Raga that soothed my nerves. While Arnab and his team went on alleging against Lalu and playing those audio tapes, the cacophony in the background sounded like Kalyani Raga.

It’s been years since I smiled. Thinking about the frowns on the forehead of Lalu, who tried to make my life miserable, my lips curved into a smile automatically. Like a robot, I laughed. Alone in my office, I really enjoyed the inconvenience that Lalu is going through. For the first time, I really wanted to thank Arnab. In the spur of the moment, I thought of flying to his studio and embrace him, only to express my gratitude. Of course, better sense prevailed. The needle that pricked Lalu may prick me too tomorrow. So, I restrained myself.

How naïve I was to make enemies with Narendra Modi, to keep my friendship with Advani? Those years were the beginning. The beginning of my end. I don’t know who first sow the thoughts of becoming prime minister. Being over ambitious nearly ruined me. Sushil Modi, who lived in the shadows of my stature, became my adversary. Boy, I missed those ministers from BJP, who really transformed Bihar, from the jungle raj that Lalu created earlier. It surely was a mistake to part ways with BJP.

To err, is human. I did so in judging the capacity of Modi. The smart bania knows how to win elections, though I stopped his winning spree. Yet, this win reduced me into a skeletal form. I felt like Bhallala Deva, after becoming chief minister with the support of RJD and Congress. Phew…

It is said one mistake leads to another. I continued making mistakes. Became friends with Lalu miya, whom I publicly despised as the corrupt person. And, I had to put up with the incompetence of the joker from the Congress. Yeah! After all, these corrupt know how to support one another. They brought that Prashant Kishor, who made brilliant power point presentations and lured me into forming a coalition with Lalu and Rahul.

Running on my credibility, their vote bank politics have pushed the BJP aside and I had become the collateral victim. Lalu’s party won more seats, despite the old man was convicted and thus prevented from contesting. Maybe that was the sole concession that I was allowed to remain in the powerful seat. Yet, the power of the powerful seat was snatched away. I became Manmohan Singh.

And I had to bear the foolish sons of Lalu, one of whom even can’t speak in proper Hindi. Slowly, but steadily I lost the game. Like the Yudhisthir who continued the game despite losing, I remained in power while the image of my government was blackened by the governance. Nothing could go rightly in the last two years. 

Oh! What a relief I experienced when Arnab was leveling accusations against Lalu and exposing his nexus with that jailed Don.

Already facing shortage of expert manpower to run the government, I was forced to tackle with the nonsensical coterie that Lalu made part of my cabinet. I ban liquor; they declare rats have drunk it! Am I a CM or a puppet? Huh. I was reduced to MMS really. 

Moreover, he wants his son to take over from me! So, if Tejaswi becomes CM, what shall I do? Be an advisor to him? How I missed the brotherly relation I had with Sushil? He was really Sushil. His parents have foreknown his character and named aptly. So, these dumb wit sons of Lalu along with their relatives and henchmen were planning to sabotage my rule by taking orders from the jailed don? At least now, they stop taking orders from him. 

Even the new week had started on a promising note. Forget about ‘aam janta’, whom even AAP cannot save. Finally, after three years of Modi’s rule, ‘Achche Din’ arrived for me. Supreme Court ruled trial for Lalu on criminal charges. Haha! Criminal charges. And, a time bound trial! What more I can ask for? I really would like to see the face of his sons, when they participate in cabinet meetings. 

Let the grass eater too go to Tihar. He can stay in the adjacent cell and take orders directly from the don. How I really wish the old Lalu be behind the bars. All I had to do is remain silent and let the game take its own course. Now with Supreme Court ordering a trial and fresh enquiries on his nexus with dons, Lalu & Sons would be busy quite for some time. Meanwhile, I can even plan to ban ‘Tobacco chewing’. Yogi is taking all credit now, despite being only a science graduate. Ugh… Arvind Kejriwal had really proved employability of engineers is very less. It is time for me to prove the worth of an engineer. 

Once this Lalu clan is shackled in legal tangles, I can try to do some productive work, at last. All this excitement is now making me to wish a celebration with good old whiskey. Alas, I banned it. Shall go to Delhi and celebrate – with Arnab and Sushil for company.

 From the secret Diary of Nitish Kumar

This is a a work of satire and has got nothing to do with realities