After a lot of meticulous research both on and offline, visits to the citadels of liberalism like JNU and CPIM HQ, reading and understanding the work of luminaries such as Rajdeep Sardesai, Barkha Dutt, Sagarika Ghose, Shobha De, Arundhati Roy, Irfan Habib, John Dayal, Amartya Sen etc, I have been able to come up with the first version of my magnum opus – The Great Indian Liberal Dictionary. So without much small talk, I introduce you to the words:
Anti-nationals – A non-existent species in India. People supporting terrorists or shouting anti-India slogans are merely practicing their Freedom of Speech and cannot be termed anti-nationals. When someone is termed an anti-national, the person calling him one should be taken to task.
Brahmin – Wicked members supposedly belonging to the upper caste in Hindu society, whose only pastime since time immemorial has been to oppress Dalits.
Corruption – A non-issue that is sometimes blown out of proportion. It isn’t a sin to swindle a few crores of rupees. Secularism and taking everyone along is far more important.
Communalism – An act of pointing out of the shortcomings of the Indian version of secularism and demanding equal rights for all.
Cow – Except goat, the only other animal in the country that needs no sympathy and protection.
Dalit – A supposedly lower section of the Hindu society. Death of members from this section (especially suicides) must be closely inspected and checked if political mileage can be drawn. There is no need to do anything for them while they are alive.
Death Penalty – A dastardly act of legally killing a criminal. There must be strong opposition against this act. The criminal in question must instead be kept in custody and fed Biryani till he dies a natural death or till there is a plane hijack and the government is blackmailed to release him.
Fascist – A dictator. When a democratically elected government tries to remove some of the age old illegal practices, it is considered to be a fascist government. Till date, India has produced only one fascist and that is Narendra Modi.
Freedom of expression – Any voice supporting leftist and separatist views or one that denigrates Hindu gods and goddesses or one that speaks against (read abuses) PM Modi, BJP and RSS.
Human Rights – These are special rights applicable to terrorists and Naxalites only. As per this principle, no action should be taken against the beneficiaries even if they are responsible for killings of hundreds of innocent citizens.
Hinduism – An archaic religion that is responsible for all the evils in society like caste system, untouchability, Sati, Dowry, idol worship and many other things.
Indian Army – A group of Indians trained in martial arts, the members of which are duty bound to die fighting terrorists. Their death is no big deal. In their free time, they inflict atrocities on peaceful stone throwing civilians in the state of Jammu and Kashmir.
Intellectual – A well-known person who distorts history and strongly propagates that apart from MK Gandhi and the Nehru family, nobody has contributed to India. He or she believes that during medieval India, the Mughal rule was the best thing to have happened.
Intolerance – Any stray incident in any part of the country where a leftist or a person belonging to the minority community gets killed or injured and a person belonging to the majority community is suspected. The blame for this must be directed against the RSS and PM Modi. Comrades inflicting violence on the righties does not fall under this category.
Liberal – Anyone who supports Freedom of Expression and opposes Trolls, speaks against ills of Hindu culture and Hindu festivals, speaks for giving special rights to minorities.
Minorities – Muslims. Although Christians, Sikhs, Jains, Parsis constitute a lesser percentage of population, the term minorities is synonymous with Muslims.
Nationalists – People supporting Modi are nationalists. For them, Modi and BJP are above the nation and such people do not actually love the nation. The term Bhakts can be used interchangeably for such people. When a person is called an andh (blind) bhakt, he is supposed to take it sportingly. Else, he is a troll.
RSS – A terrorist Indian organization, equivalent to the Taliban, Al Qaeda and ISIS. Members of this organization are rabid Muslim haters and some of the terrorist attacks in India have been RSS ki saazish.
Secularism – Appeasement of fundamentalist Muslims (Muslim women can be ignored) at every possible opportunity, not really doing anything for their economic progress and taking Hindus for granted. Hindus are after all the majority community and don’t really need anything.
Terrorism – An act of killing scores of innocent human beings, who have no religion except when the perpetrator happens to be an Aseemanand or a Sadhvi Pragya. The terrorists invariably resort to these activities as they are economically downtrodden and not given opportunities by the government. The parents of some of them are school headmasters.
Troll – Any voice opposing leftist and separatist views or speaks against denigration of Hindu gods and goddesses or argues for Modi, BJP, RSS or Hinduism. Anyone who counters the leftist view is a troll.
Uniform Civil Code – An evil proposal of having equal laws for all citizens, which will lead to inequality and unfair treatment of minorities.
This is a work of satire and has nothing to do with realities